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I’ve Been Robbed!

March 28, 2011

Some son of a bitch stole my bed sheet. I know you’re thinking that I’m being absurd, or maybe setting up for some labored “joke”, but it’s the God’s honest truth. Somewhere about a year and a half ago I was unable to find one of my sheets. It was probably my favorite one, classy pattern and an admirably high thread count, and totally missing. I looked all over for it, nothing. How do you lose a sheet? They’re pretty big, it’s not like losing a sock or t-shirt.

Every few weeks I would look again, confused about where it could have gone, where I could have put it. When I declared, jokingly, that it had been stolen people would respond with what I believed, that it was simply misplaced, though a co-worker helpfully suggested that maybe it got tangled up in a sock. Anyway, every so often I would go the shelf where I kept my other linens and look through them thinking that I would find it crumpled up behind the others. Nothing, ever. So, in time I forgot about it and moved on with my life.

Tonight I found it. I went down to the basement to do some laundry and after loading up the machine (how degrading is it that I have to do my own laundry) saw my sheet half sticking out of the garbage can in the laundry room. No, it was not the same pattern but a different sheet. It was the very same. There was a unique stain on my sheet from a leaky pen — and I mean exactly that and nothing else–that was not so big that I had to get rid of it but big enough to be noticed and remembered. And there it was. The sheet was worn out, had a couple of small tears and looked a bit worse for the wear, but it was absolutely mine. Someone had stolen it out of my laundry and taken it for themselves. What a god damn cocksucker.

Oddly, I don’t feel angry. A little relieved that it wasn’t some brain malfunction on my part, but not all that angry. And sheets are expensive!

I wish I could figure out who did this. I thought every body loved me.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. jco permalink
    March 28, 2011 8:04 am

    Your neighbor must have been pretty hard up to steal your used, stained sheet. And why steal one sheet, why not the set? I’m pretty pissed off about this.

    • March 28, 2011 10:38 am

      I didn’t wash the set, just the important fitted sheet.

      • jco permalink
        March 28, 2011 11:42 am

        What? WHAT? You don’t wash both of your sheets at the same time? There are really some disturbing things going on in that laundry room.

  2. Fat Al permalink*
    March 28, 2011 8:15 am

    As one of those who scoffed at your story, I guess I apologize. Not that I find this whole thing particularly credible. Leaky pen. Sure. Tell it to the judge.

  3. March 28, 2011 3:15 pm

    It was the one-armed man. And I gotta remember that leaky pen excuse!

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